By popular demand, in today’s blog, I am sharing “A Word, A Song and A Laugh” to encourage all you singles with more humor and the Match.com adventures of my single, 70-year old mother!
It seems that you all loved hearing about my mom’s hilarious experiences onMatch.com – so at your request, here is MORE!
As a quick reminder, my mom is in heaven, but 15 years ago, when she was 70 and single and living in Florida — she tried Match.com. The excerpts below are taken from a series of letters she sent me and my sisters describing her dating adventures! No doubt about it, my mom was funny and feisty!
Before we read a few more excerpts, let me try to add something spiritual to this funny blog!
A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,
But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
Okay, now to more excerpts of her letters to my sisters and I. My your heart be cheerful!
Well, last night I met “6'0 Joe Cool,” (as his listing stated) ... but by the time he drove to The Villages to meet me, he ended up being about 5'8”. He has light blue eyes, gray hair, a fu-man-chu mustache and beard. He is a cool dresser. He wore a light blueshirt.
He has 3 kids that he doesn't like at all. He said they are all druggies and in and out of jail. So, he ain’t very interested in hearing about my family. I tried to come up with crimes you guys have committed to make him feel good. I did tell him about the time one of you toilet papered a neighborhood and streaked across a main road when you were 13 and how one of you stole lipstick from a store. I think he felt we were more equal after that. He said he’s dated woman whose kids never got into any trouble and he doesn’t believe them. So girls, it’s time to fess up, what did you do behind my back that had criminal overtones? I won’t get mad, just tell me, I need some material for this dating scene!
Joe Cool said he is a dancer, and I was looking forward to joining the dancers at the Town Square, but we sat across the street from the square at Starbucks and never got near the dance floor. Getting back to his mustache and beard ... I watched his upper lip … and it never moved. I kept looking for a hinge on his mouth because it worked more like a puppet’s mouth. Well, I was fascinated on how he could talk but his lips never moved. He also never laughed. We left with a hand shake and he said, “Gosh I wanna see you again...”
I think my life on Match.com is coming to an end, I would rather stay home and organize my sock drawer than do this. I will keep you posted.
Okay, I had the highly awaited first date with Frank. We had a lot in common and the one thing I liked is that Frank was a talker. Well, he was a buzz saw…and never shut up. It was okay. We decided that maybe a second date might be a good idea.
On Tuesday, I met Frank in the K-Mart parking lot for date #2. I noticed that the cook in the nearby restaurant was watching us out the window. He probably thought there was some hanky-panky going on when I jump into Frank’s car. I wanted to shout, “Hey, I know Frank. This is a second date. It’s not what you think!”
This week, I met Alan, a great looking guy 6 foot 3 inches and a nice dresser and educated. We met a coffee joint with a 70’s feel. I knew there was a bong somewhere in there because I could smell it.
So, I am trying to get to know Alan and I asked him if he had any children. He answered, “Nope.” So, being a wise-guy, I said, “Then I guess you don’t have any grandkids?” That is when Alan gave me a lesson on how this earth was overpopulated and sterilizing couples might not be a bad thing. That’s when I dropped the I have 14 grandchildren on him and 78 first cousins. He informs me that all of the women he dates want to talk about their grands and he stops them right away because he’s not interested.
Anyway, we blah, blah for another hour and as we leave, he says, “I really like you. I believe there is something here.” And then he fumbled for 20 minutes to get the money out of his pocket for the two iced coffees. I think he wanted to go “dutch,” but I just out stalled him and laughed all the way home, because there ain’t “anything here” in my book.
Still trying out Match.com. My most recent date "lionhearted" -- his match.com name. His real name is Richard. We met for a glass of wine and Richard is wearing a fanny pack, red silk shorts, a muscle shirt and a mesh “John Deer” hat. We had a nice lunch but he was talking so loud — so now everyone in the restaurant knows that we are losers who met on Match.com. After two appetizers, we both decide there is no clickage.
This random dating thing is a pain in the neck and I have almost decided it is too much work...
I decided to write a glossary for Match.com dating. Here’s what I’ve learned so far...
When they say, “6’1” it means “5’8” with shoe lifts.”
When they say, “I would really like to see you again” it means “I am totally out of here...”
When they say, “fit” it means “30 lbs overweight.”
When they say, “we are good for each other and we have a lot in common” it means, “you have money and I don’t.”
When they say, “stocky” they mean, “I need a seatbelt extender on the airplane.”
When they say, “Italian, a Robert DeNiro look alike” it means, “I love spaghetti.”
Ok that’s all folks...the dating adventures of my mothers. She had a good sense of humor about all of it, but being single was a tough season for her. After all, she was married to my dad, Jerry, for 14 years and after they divorced, she raised my sisters and I as a single mom until she met another Jerry. They were also married for 14 years until he unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 56. Jerry #2 treated her like a queen, and it was hard for anyone to compete with what she had been used to when married to Jerry #2. She kiddingly said, “If only I could have found Jerry #3!” I am so glad she’s in heaven now with Jesus and both Jerry’s - my dad Jerry, and my stepdad Jerry ... I don’t know how the Lord figures all of that out, but I am sure they are all having a great time in heaven!